An open letter, from a Dog to his Owner
by Andrew Clark
Dear Owner,
I’d call you Master. but
I’m still a little angry.
I’m writing to follow up on
the incident last week. You may recall that you left me, Parker (100-pound
black-and-brown brindle mastiff), in a locked SUV on a day when the temperature
peaked out at 33.8 degrees. A passerby, who saw what appeared to be a dog in a
four-wheeled microwave, called the authorities. He was concerned. After all,
only two weeks ago a dog died after being left in a broiling car.
Anyway, the
police arrived and rescued me from the steamy SUV. Guess what they did next?
Tried to put me in another car, and I was like, “No thanks, been there, done
that” and I did what any other animal in my situation would do – I ran.
Unfortunately, I
ran onto the expressway and, as anyone who commutes knows, that’s the last
place you want to go if you want to go anywhere fast. I held up traffic for a
while until the police came for me again. It made all the news reports and the
video went viral. And why not? There’s a DOG on the EXPRESSWAY! Stop the
presses! Don’t get me started on the media.
I’m writing to
clear up a few misconceptions about canines and cars. Not just to you, my
owner, but to all drivers who love their dogs. Look, the feeling is mutual. We
love you. But any relationship needs boundaries. As far as these go, dogs are
among the most laid-back creatures on earth. We have few. Wanna make us
retrieve a stick for three hours? We’re in! Want someone to silently listen to
you complain about your life for an entire morning? Done.
It is only when
you literally try to cook us alive that things get tense. My case is not the
only example. In Toronto, between June 16 and 21, there were 61 reports of dogs
left in vehicles. You could say, “Okay, Toronto, those people are morons,” but
the same thing has happened in California, New Jersey, Oregon and many other
places.
Meanwhile, here
are some other recent dog-related headlines:
“Dog Saves Girls
from Venomous Snakes,” “Dog Gives Life to Save Owner From Dangerous Trailer
Fire” and my personal favourite, “Dog Rescues Newborn Baby After He Was Left in
the Woods to Die.”
I’m not kidding
– this totally hard-core farm dog in Ghana found this kid, and pulled the
abandoned newborn under a bridge where he kept him warm all night.
You’ll notice
nowhere can be found the headline, “Dog Leaves Human in Sweltering Locked Car
So He Can Take Advantage of Sale at Abercrombie & Fitch.”
I’ve heard
somewhere that humans like lists, so I will try to streamline these into a
PowerPoint presentation (my lack of opposable thumbs means I can’t actually
conduct a PowerPoint presentation, so just try imagine the cool graphics).
Activities
dogs can help with
Fetching
Pooping on lawns
of neighbours you don’t like (no need to tell us, we can sense it)
Not passing
judgment
Eating food you
don’t want but feel too guilty to throw out
There are plenty
more but you’ll notice, we’re on board for a lot.
Activities
dogs can’t help with
Shopping
Driving
Witty passenger
seat conversation
Sauna buddy
I think we’re
looking at a misunderstanding that stems from semantics, the kind of disconnect
explored by German-born philosopher Rudolph Carnap, whose verification
principle maintained that anything that can contribute to human life can be
observed. “There is a continuum which starts with direct sensory observations
and proceeds to enormously complex, indirect methods of observation.”
For instance,
using observation you can deduce that dogs like driving. Let’s face it, we LOVE
DRIVING. One jingle of the keys and it’s on. We love driving in cars.
We do not,
however, like sitting in parked cars, especially if the interior of the car
resembles the inside of an electric Wolfgang Puck Pressure Cooker making pulled
pork.
We’re also not
that big on shopping. Why do you feel it’s necessary to take us with you? If
you want help selecting raw meat, we’re in, but otherwise we’re okay taking a
pass. I know that we make big fuss when you’re going out. Practically begging
to come with you. It breaks your heart to leave us.
Look, I’m going
to come clean and say we totally ripped off that one from preschoolers. You
know how they flip out and cry when their moms drop them off at daycare? Then,
like three seconds after the mom is gone, they’re totally over it and playing.
We stole that one. So, when you’re leaving we’re all “Please! Take me with you!
PLEASE.” But three seconds after you’re gone we’re asleep.
How can you tell
if it’s too hot to leave your dog in you car? Simple. Before you leave us, turn
off the air conditioning and sit in your car. If it’s so hot you think you are
going to vomit and pass out? Too hot. Keep it simple: in the summer months
don’t leave us locked in the car.
This has got to
stop.
We dogs have a
saying. “Humans. Can live with them. Could easily live in the wild without
them.”
Face it, you
need us more than we need you. So let’s make a deal. We’ll keep saving you from
fires, rescuing your abandoned infants and being unbelievably happy to see you
when you get home.
You stop leaving
us in parked cars.
Deal?
Yours truly,
Parker
P.S. The irony
of my name is not lost on me.
...When you really stop and think about it, it's not a lot to ask....is it?
Keep your tails (safely) wagging,
Bear's P4ws
